Choose Your Own Adventure

As "I have may have told you before," Pop frequently tells the same story over and over and just as frequently he changes one or two details to the story (just to keep us guessing). It reminds me of the books my sons used to read as children, Choose Your Own Adventure books. You know, the kind of book where you get to make the decisions as to what the main character does next. Here is Pop's version.

He is walking to school and crosses a
a: cow pasture (turn to page 2)
b: dirt path (turn to page 5)
c: river (turn to page 6)

 He notices a patches of
a. scallions (turn to page 7)
b: garlic (turn to page 8)
c. radishes (turn to page 11)

He decides to eat them on the way to school. Unbeknown to Pop, his dog,
a. Monk
b. Buster
c. Sargent

follows him to school. His teacher,
a. Miss Buckworthy
b. Miss Buckwald
c. Miss Buckwheat

yells at him for eating those smelly vegetables and for bringing his dog to school. Meanwhile at recess, his brother,
a. Jack
b. Lou
c. Cork

gets into a fight.  Pop is in more trouble for coming to his rescue and is called to the principal's office.
a. Mrs. O'Leary
b. Mrs. O'Donnell
c. Mrs. O'Reilly

always wears her hair in a
a. bun
b. beehive
c. braid wrapped around her head

She tells Pop,
a. "Let your brother fight his own fights"
b. "March to your own drummer."
c. "You bold and brazen article!"

Star Gazing

STAR DATE: 3/7/2011- 10:00 PM
The night was cold, the sky was black, and the stars were clear and bright. There was a new moon. The perfect evening for star gazing. Pop and I bundled up and went outside to watch the stars. As we stood in the driveway and gazed up at these brilliant points of light, we watched in wonder at the shining constellations and planets that were displayed against the velvet sky. We huddled together for warmth, me holding Pop in my arms so he could keep his balance as he craned his neck to pick out another shining jewel, "Look at that one!" "There's more stars over there!" "I wonder what is that cluster of stars?" Pop said excitedly as he pointed toward the northeastern sky.

For the next several minutes, we stood quietly, observing the show overhead. If you have never paused to watch the stars and then pause again to see the stars reflected back in your Pop's eyes, you are missing something wonderful, try it sometime!

One Soccer Sock Sleeper

Pop has recently adopted a habit of getting up very early (7:30 AM) to start his daily routine. Part of this routine includes putting on his soccer socks. Although this seems quite mundane, to the inexperienced observer it is quite disconcerting. Pop will literally fall asleep in between putting his socks on. Sound asleep!
Like a soccer player preparing for the big game, Pop plans his strategy.  It's simple: one sock per half.

1. One sock and one slipper on one foot
2. Sleep... and allow one sock to drape across unslippered foot and one bare foot.
3. Halftime
4. Begin again at step 1.

Game on! Time to start breakfast.

PS I recently asked Pop about this habit. He said, "I just like to take a little rest in-between."

Hero

Many times I have written in this blog about the funny things that Pop and Mom say and do. Today it is a more serious post. On Monday, February 7, 2011 Pop was a hero. Mom and Pop were eating breakfast, each sitting at opposite ends of the kitchen table. Suddenly, Mom turned a grayish color and slumped over in the chair. Pop tried to revive her and she remained non-responsive. He quickly dialed 911, asked the operator to send help immediately and gave our address. Within a few anxious minutes, the police and ambulance arrived to take Mom to the hospital. Although relieved that Mom was getting help, Pop was still very worried. She suffered another stroke, (at the hospital they call that an "event). My husband called Pop a hero and said, "that's why we won the war Pop."

Sunday Morning

Ten times today Pop asked me, “Why are you home today? Are you off from school because of the snow?” (He does have the questioning capacity of a four year old.) Nine times I explained to him that it’s Sunday. I don’t go to school on Sunday.” By the tenth time, I was very exasperated, I finally said. "Pop look at the comics, if they are in color….It’s Sunday!”

Saturday Mourning

It is a very snowy Saturday. At least 12 inches of snow have fallen and Mom and Pop have cabin fever. Anyway, Pop got up early, started his breakfast and then realized that he didn't have his newspaper. They say that there are five stages of grief, Pop experienced all of these: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

• He couldn’t possibly have breakfast without his newspaper. He never has breakfast without his newspaper. How could this happen? It always just appears at the table when I get up in the morning.
• Did the delivery person (Eric) forget? What to do? What to do?
• Should I try to get it myself? Wait, the last time I did that, I fell. (He didn’t really think that, I just wanted you to know that he really did fall outside in the snow trying to get his newspaper) Or wait to see if it magically appears?
• Maybe if I wish real hard, when I open my eyes or it will be here. Or maybe after I get out of the bathroom for the fourth time this morning, I’ll find it folded neatly on the chair. Oh, no! I’ve finished my cantaloupe and my oatmeal will be gone soon too and still no paper.
• I guess I will have to finish my three-hour breakfast without my paper to read or my fizzle to punish. (see spoonerisms for translation)

There is a happy ending to this sad, snowy, story. Jazz found the paper buried under a mound of snow and saved the day…just like Lassie!

Code Breakers

At the dinner table tonight...

Mom: "Hold it up to the light and look at its rear-end." 
This reference was a mystery until...
Pop lifted his pill box, turned it over, and held it up to the light to see if he had taken his dinner pills. 


(Oh so much easier than opening up that little lid.)

Still More Spoonerisms

This is a  list of some of the chores Pop used to do as a boy:
peep the sworch                    low the mawn                

gater the warden                   tant the plomatoes

What's in a name? That which we call Holly...

...Pop calls Homer, Otto, or Harley.

Recently we dogsat for my son who was visiting my older son in Munich for Oktoberfest. For some reason, Pop just could not remember Holly's name. Holly being the sweet dog that she is would happily respond to whatever Pop called her. Shakespeare he ain't

... by any other name would smell as sweet.

We're not talking about driving

"He has a hard time steering the old thing" Mom's description of Pop peeing and missing the toilet bowl.

Pen Malfunction

I took Mom to the grocery store today and at the checkout line, she wrote a check to pay the bill. The cashier asked her to write her phone number on the check. Mom asked me to look at the check to make sure that she had written it correctly. She wrote a zero in place of a four in her phone number. I told her her mistake and she said, "I wrote a zero instead of a four, because THIS PEN doesn't have anymore fours."

Big Boy Boo Boos

Most of these tales seem to revolve around doctor's visits, because that is what we do...visit doctors. Last week I took mom to the dentist. As we walked to the office, I took my eyes off Pop for one second to help mom up the incline and Pop fell. Fortunately, he was not hurt but did suffer a skinned knee and two scuffed knuckles. As we walked into the office, Pop sat down and promptly pulled his pant leg up to reveal his rug-burned knee. "Ooo, Oww, it hurts," Pop complained. I asked the receptionist if she had a bandaid. After I positioned the bandaid on his knee, Pop said, " I hurt my knuckles too!" Another request to the receptionist for two more bandaids, and after placement, he was satisfied and surveyed his wounds as he sat patiently in the waiting room with one pant leg pulled up.

Unintentional Innuendo

One night at dinner, mom recalled a recent news story about a house of prostitution that was busted by the police. She said, "the police had all the condiments spread all over the table, and he said they must have had a hard on to want money that bad." It was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.

A Simple but Busy Life!

As I have said  before, Pop leads a very simple life but that doesn't mean he isn't busy! Breakfast is a leisurely meal lasting about two hours. Pop has oatmeal, cantalope and coffee every morning. Which sounds simple enough but the process is very complicated. Coffee is 1/4 cup coffee, seven teaspoons of sugar, evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. (and he always wonders why his coffee is cold. You can hear him say under his breath, "Darn!" when he takes his first sip) The oatmeal has strawberries and banana evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. Strawberries and bananas have to be cut up first before the oatmeal is cooked. It must be Quick Oats (one minute cooking time) verses Old Fashioned Oats (5 minutes cooking time) because it will save him four whole minutes in the morning. Half a cantalope, that must be cut the night before to make sure it is cold enough.

When he leaves the table two hours later, the sugar bowl is empty because he is too busy to fill it, the cantalope rine is in the sink, too busy to throw it in the garbage, the morning paper is still spread on the table and the coffee is still cold...

More Spoonerisms

I was explaining to my students one day, about Pop's ability to speak in spoonerisms and gave a few examples. One worried student asked, "Can he talk right if he wants to?"

nicken choodle soup             chicolate chop cookies                pollilops                          peanut belly and jutter

chicken noodle soup             chocolate chip cookies                lollipops                          peanut butter and jelly

The Test

This post provides definitive proof that elder folk turn into four year olds. My nephew graduated from Villanova this year with his MBA (Congrats Nick!) We celebrated by going to a restaurant. My niece, who is four and my mother sat next to each other counting the sugar packets and rearranging the flatware. I asked my niece about school and what was her favorite subject. She said, "Give me a test, Aunt Kathy." "OK," I said, "The topic is animals." Mom and Alice were immediately attentive and delighted at this challenge.

First question: What kind of animal has a horn coming out of its forehead?

Alice: A unicorn                                Mom: A rhino

Second question: What kind of animal hibernates and eats honey?

Alice: Winnie the Pooh                      Mom: a bear

Third and final question: What kind of animal has stripes?

Alice: a zebra                                     Mom: Tony the Tiger?

It's a bird, it's a crane...it's an ostridge

Mom sometimes has difficulty finding the correct word she wants to say. A few weeks ago, it was pouring rain and I said, "Look, that big blue heron is out on the pond looking for fish." "Yeah," Mom observed, "the crane and ostridge were out there too." This week the blue heron was dubbed the pink flamingo.

Rock Tumbling

Pop has always been an amateur geologist. As a boy, his favorite past time was collecting rocks and garnets. Each treasure he brought home, he carefully chipped away excess rock and began polishing them by hand. As an adult, he bought himself a rock tumbler. Long days and endless nights were filled with the racket of rocks tumbling loudly in metal cylinders. Not that Pop ever complained because he couldn't hear them. Soon they were polished into shiny gems. Mom's jewelry box sparkled with earrings and necklaces that Pop lovingly crafted for her. My husband couldn't resist this advice for my mom, "Wear it or make it a doorstop but just don't swim in it."

Parents' say the darndest things! Embarrassing Moment #1

As we get older, hearing fades and conversations get louder. Unfortunately, elder folk are not aware how loud their voices are, especially when you are sitting in close proximity to others such as in a doctor's office. Mom and Pop are big offenders. They think they are whispering, when in reality they are speaking quite loud and clear. In their minds, people can't hear them because they can't hear people.

On more than one occasion this has caused embarrassment. Pop enjoys a good game of I Spy at the doctor's office. During one visit he watched a rather large man enter the waiting room. Pop annouced, in what he thought was a whisper, "That's a big fellow" or "Look at the belly on that good ole' boy." Mom on the other hand will play, "Guess their Ailment" game. (Not yet available in stores) "She looks yellow," she will whisper loudly, "I'll bet she has liver disease." Then she will turn her attention to another patient, "That one's a smoker, lung cancer." she will declare. I sink lower in my chair and cast apologetic glances at individuals awaiting the doctor's care.

Health Class

Although Mom's rehab and recovery were remarkable after her stroke, she would still have days when she was confused. One particular day, my sons came home from school to find MomMom in her underwear sitting in the sunroom. They were very embarrassed until my husband jokingly exclaimed, "It just goes to show, no matter how many health classes you take...it never quite prepares you to see elder folk in their bra and bloomers!"

Spoonerisms

Pop is mentally sharp. He uses spoonerisms on a daily basis that baffle the novice linguist. In any conversation, he will throw in at least one or two spoonerisms. Now you probably wondering what are spoonerisms? By the time you finish reading this post, you will understand. Test yourself on these:

punish the fizzle       dash the wishes          shake a tower         cash the war

Did you understand what activites Pop was doing? He finished the puzzle, washed the dishes, took a shower and washed the car.

Getting the "Mailbag"

Pop leads a very simple life, filled with simple pleasures. One of those is getting the "mailbag." (Pop still thinks of it as the Pony Express.) He can't hear much anymore, but he can hear the low rumble of the mail truck as it makes its daily delivery. Like clockwork, Pop starts his journey down the driveway heading toward the mailbox. He removes the mail and shuffles back to the porch to sort the letters, catalogs and junk mail into piles. Mail addressed to Resident is randomly given to a pile. Every now and then, I get a Victoria Secret catalog. Pop tucks it at the bottom of his pile, saying to himself, "Oo, that's a good one!"

Hot Dogs with Crescent Rolls

Mom is an excellent cook, although some of her skills have deteriorated since her stroke, she still prepares a meal once or twice a week. One night, Pop announced, "Soup's on!" (our customary call to supper) "What are we having tonight?" I asked. "Hotdogs with crescent rolls," mom announced while carefully taking them from the oven. As she placed the hotdogs on the table, I asked, "What about the cheese you usually put in the hotdogs?" Mom responded, "I don't know that recipe."

It has to be a Virgin

I took Mom grocery shopping the other day. We slowly shuffled down each aisle looking for items on her list. We were in the condiments aisle when I heard her proclaim loudly, "Where's the virgin, the recipe said it had to be a virgin!" You guessed it, she was looking for virgin olive oil.

The Drive Through

Many years ago, when Pop was still driving, there was an incident we like to call "The Drive Through." Pop had just come back from the Wawa after purchasing his daily newspaper. He pulled into the driveway and just kept on going, right through our sunroom. The impact moved a couch inside the room several feet. My mom called me at school shortly afterward and said, "Pop bent the sunroom." That was an interesting way to put it and she failed to mention a car was involved. I was thinking that Pop had suddenly developed superhuman strength.

When I got home, I surveyed the damage. "Hummmm, a perfect right triangle," my math teacher mind was thinking. A perfect way to demonstrate the Pythagorean Theory. If the sunroom is perpendicular to the driveway and using Pop's car as the hypotenuse, how far did his car travel? A great example!

My husband, an engineer who designed the sunroom, had a completely different take on the event. After fixing the damage, he announced that the engineering was superb, no people were harmed in this event and it would be great advertising for the structure.