Visiting Angels vs. Victoria's Angels

Yesterday we had a lovely conversation with one of the "Angels" from Visiting Angels. Visiting "Devils" as Mom ventured to describe them. (I am pleased to say that her impression of this compassionate caretaker organization has changed completely)

The representative introduced herself to Pop and tried to explain how they can help him. He was very very happy to hear that Victoria's Angels would be visiting him. The representative tried to clarify the difference but Pop sat there grinning  and contemplating the impending visit of a Victoria Secret model "with wings."  Once more the consultant tried, "Our girls are pretty but
. . ." I finished her sentence, ... "Pop that's a whole other catalog!"

More quips from the Doctor's Office

I have mentioned in previous posts how much Mom and Pop like to talk loudly while waiting for their appointment. Here is today's summary report:

Mom looking at photos on my Iphone: Why is her mom black AND white? (the photo she was looking at was in black and white, the rest of people in the office were thinking something entirely different.)

In the office talking to the doctor: He reports that they have lost weight since their last visit. Mom's explanation (pointing at me): "She's a terrible cook"

Leaving the office, within ear shot of the doctor, Mom says to me: "I notice you haven't lost any weight!"

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives

OK, I admit it. I'm not a good cook. However, I am pretty good at grilling. Mom on the other hand, is an awesome chef. She could make any meal taste like it came from a gourmet restaurant.

Yesterday, I made hotdogs and baked beans. Pop's favorite meal. I was disappointed when he didn't finish it. I said to Mom, "Pop doesn't like my cooking." Mom's quick response...."I don't either!"

I'm Singing the Service Station Blues

Last week with Mom and Pop in tow, I stopped to get gas in their car. I pretended to be a friendly small town gas attendant. I whistled while I cleaned the windows, checked the oil and air in their tires, jauntily tipped my pretend hat and cheerily said, "That will be $24.16, Ma'am." Mom handed me $24.25 and said, "Keep the change." I frowned, only .19 tip. Mom explained, "You didn't do such a good job on the windows!"

Mrs. Grinch

You probably didn't know that the Grinch had a wife. She lives with me. I love decorating for Christmas. I love the bright lights, the colorful decorations, the presents and bows, the beautiful music. Mom loathes the thought of card writing, caroling, baking, and celebrating the season.  Pop on the other other hand, enjoys looking at all the glittering decorations on the tree and watching my sisters and I decorate their house. He loves his "antique" train set that circles underneath his Christmas tree. He loves to tell the story about how he bought that train set for his daughter, Jackie's, first Christmas. He is enamored at the prospect of opening presents on Christmas morning and joyfully singing Christmas carols. Mom, however, sums it up..."I'm going to be Jewish this year"

 Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.         - Dr. Seuss

You Be the Judge!

Last week Mom called me a whore. I guess I should be upset, but you have to realize that sometimes what she says and what she means are two different things. She was watching a TV program called Hoarding: Buried Alive. Here is a picture of my sewing room. You can judge for yourself.

Punch Lines that should be on Cartoon Strips.

It begins as soon as their feet touch the doctor's waiting room floor:
1. Pop proclaims loudly, "Look at how tall that fellow is." He pauses and then adds, "but little feet."
2. Mom is scrutinizing me as I read a Time magazine. She inquires, "What do you do to your mustache?" She doesn't miss a beat and shares, "I use adhesive tape."
3. After the appointment, Pop had to use the bathroom. I told him the second door is the men's room. Of course, he went into the ladies room.

Parents' say the darndest things! Embarrassing Moment #1

As we get older, hearing fades and conversations get louder. Unfortunately, elder folk are not aware how loud their voices are, especially when you are sitting in close proximity to others such as in a doctor's office. Mom and Pop are big offenders. They think they are whispering, when in reality they are speaking quite loud and clear. In their minds, people can't hear them because they can't hear people.

On more than one occasion this has caused embarrassment. Pop enjoys a good game of I Spy at the doctor's office. During one visit he watched a rather large man enter the waiting room. Pop annouced, in what he thought was a whisper, "That's a big fellow" or "Look at the belly on that good ole' boy." Mom on the other hand will play, "Guess their Ailment" game. (Not yet available in stores) "She looks yellow," she will whisper loudly, "I'll bet she has liver disease." Then she will turn her attention to another patient, "That one's a smoker, lung cancer." she will declare. I sink lower in my chair and cast apologetic glances at individuals awaiting the doctor's care.