You Be the Judge!

Last week Mom called me a whore. I guess I should be upset, but you have to realize that sometimes what she says and what she means are two different things. She was watching a TV program called Hoarding: Buried Alive. Here is a picture of my sewing room. You can judge for yourself.

Punch Lines that should be on Cartoon Strips.

It begins as soon as their feet touch the doctor's waiting room floor:
1. Pop proclaims loudly, "Look at how tall that fellow is." He pauses and then adds, "but little feet."
2. Mom is scrutinizing me as I read a Time magazine. She inquires, "What do you do to your mustache?" She doesn't miss a beat and shares, "I use adhesive tape."
3. After the appointment, Pop had to use the bathroom. I told him the second door is the men's room. Of course, he went into the ladies room.

Pearls of Wisdom from Mom

"You should not go swimming with your hat on."

I should explain. Mom was watching the news last night and there was a story about a church that had their air conditioner stolen. A woman they interviewed was wearing a large hat. Following that segment was a story about kids swimming to keep cool during this heat wave. It makes perfect sense now, doesn't it.

The American GI and the German Professor

 During dinner, Pop will often tell stories about the Great War but he never mentions the actual fighting and war, only friendships. Just last night at dinner he told a story about a Professor that he met after the war. He was a German who taught English at the University. The American GIs were not allowed to speak to the German people. But Pop did and they became friends, if only for a short time. The Professor invited Pop to dinner and he accepted. Pop knew that he had two little girls and due to the war they did not have many possessions. On his way to dinner, Pop passed by a shoe store that had been raided, windows broken and much of the store destroyed. Pop went in and found two pair of brand new shoes that he thought might fit the girls. He left payment on the counter for the shoes. When he gave them to the girls they were overjoyed and hugged him, an American GI. Pop enjoyed dinner with the Professors' family. Pop commented on the delicious chicken. The girls giggled and then corrected him, "It's rabbit!" they said in unison.

Furniture Delivery

The recliner delivery was prompt and uneventful. The fun began afterward. The old recliners, in "perfect" condition, perfect...with rips, scratches and stains, were moved outside to the front porch to make room for the brand new power recliner chairs. Mom and Pop eagerly took them for a test drive. (My husband told Mom and Pop they needed drivers' licenses.)

I left the Elderfolk, sleeping in their new recliners to go to the store. When I returned, both Mom and Pop were still sound asleep but they were now sleeping in the old recliners on the porch. The only thing missing was the TV remote in Mom's hand. Priceless!

Furniture Shopping at Mealey's

On day, Mom decided they needed new recliners. "The other recliners are in 'perfect' condition," Mom said, "but I want new ones." So off we went to Mealey's. After an extensive search through an acre of furniture, Mom selected two power chairs in matching gold color. Story finished; no, just beginning...

The salesperson directed us to the Mealey's Cafe, which has a selection of snack foods to eat while completing the paperwork for the sale. You have heard the expression, "like a kid in a candy store," truer words have never been spoken. The salesperson said to Mom and Pop help yourself. Everything is free! Mom opened her purse and began filling it with wrapped candies like she was at the diner loading it with coffee creamers. Pop asked, "Where do we pay for this stuff?" Meanwhile, Mom had moved on to the freezer was busy raiding it for ice cream. Mom finally sat down at the table with a dixie cup in one hand, which she handed to Pop, and ice cream sandwich in the other. Pop asked, "Who do we pay for this stuff?"  By now, the salesperson had been waiting patiently for five minutes. Story finished, not yet, there's more....

Pop, "I can't use this wooden spoon, do you have a regular spoon?" Mom was up again selecting her second choice of ice cream and we still haven't started the paperwork.  Finally, the "kids" settled down and in between dripping ice cream and empty candy wrappers, the sale was finalized. At the end of the transaction, I asked where the restroom was, the salesperson directed me and then said, "I'll babysit for awhile."

As we were leaving the store, Pop said, "We didn't pay for all that stuff."

Happy Father's Day!

Last night after Pop went to bed, Mom and I got our cards together for Father's Day. Mom handed me her card and I put them on the kitchen table for Pop to open today. A few minutes later we heard shuffling in the kitchen. Our signal that Pop was awake. Sure enough he opened the cards. After another few minutes, Pop emerged from the kitchen, cards in hand. "Who's this card from? It isn't signed." He handed the card to me. On the front it said Happy Father's Day to My Wonderful Husband.

Groundhog Day II

Pop: What's on the program today?
Me: The boys are coming home to help Eric build the bridge in the back yard.
Pop: Is that what the big pile of stones in the driveway is for?
Me: Yes
Pop: What about that big pipe, is that for the bridge too?
Me: Yes
Pop: Are they going to use the Kabota to move the stone and the pipe?
Me: Yes
Pop: Maybe, I'll get dress and go out and watch them.
Me: Good idea.

As I turned to leave....

Pop: What's on the program today?
Me: The boys are coming home to help Eric build the bridge.
Pop: Is that what the big pile of stones ....
You get the picture?

Groundhog Day

Pop and Bill Murray have a lot in common. Both are snappy dressers (Caddy Shack) and both experience Déjà vu (Groundhog Day). For Pop everyday is a repeat of the previous day. I will ask him, "What did you do today?" He will answer without a hint of sarcasm, "Same thing I did yesterday!" 


Which explains a lot. He can tell a story or ask a question less than 10 seconds after he told the same story or asked the same question, but ... It still doesn't explain the snappy outfits!

Lost in Translation

Mom has suddenly developed an interest in watching baseball, specifically the Phillies. She will yell at the players when they are doing poorly and cheer when they do well.

The other night during dinner Mom announced, "The Phillies play at the Metropolitan tonight at 7:00."
Pop, "I'd enjoy watching that, who is their conductor?
Mom, "Charlie Manuel"
Pop, "I didn't know he played an instrument."

Choose Your Own Adventure

As "I have may have told you before," Pop frequently tells the same story over and over and just as frequently he changes one or two details to the story (just to keep us guessing). It reminds me of the books my sons used to read as children, Choose Your Own Adventure books. You know, the kind of book where you get to make the decisions as to what the main character does next. Here is Pop's version.

He is walking to school and crosses a
a: cow pasture (turn to page 2)
b: dirt path (turn to page 5)
c: river (turn to page 6)

 He notices a patches of
a. scallions (turn to page 7)
b: garlic (turn to page 8)
c. radishes (turn to page 11)

He decides to eat them on the way to school. Unbeknown to Pop, his dog,
a. Monk
b. Buster
c. Sargent

follows him to school. His teacher,
a. Miss Buckworthy
b. Miss Buckwald
c. Miss Buckwheat

yells at him for eating those smelly vegetables and for bringing his dog to school. Meanwhile at recess, his brother,
a. Jack
b. Lou
c. Cork

gets into a fight.  Pop is in more trouble for coming to his rescue and is called to the principal's office.
a. Mrs. O'Leary
b. Mrs. O'Donnell
c. Mrs. O'Reilly

always wears her hair in a
a. bun
b. beehive
c. braid wrapped around her head

She tells Pop,
a. "Let your brother fight his own fights"
b. "March to your own drummer."
c. "You bold and brazen article!"

Star Gazing

STAR DATE: 3/7/2011- 10:00 PM
The night was cold, the sky was black, and the stars were clear and bright. There was a new moon. The perfect evening for star gazing. Pop and I bundled up and went outside to watch the stars. As we stood in the driveway and gazed up at these brilliant points of light, we watched in wonder at the shining constellations and planets that were displayed against the velvet sky. We huddled together for warmth, me holding Pop in my arms so he could keep his balance as he craned his neck to pick out another shining jewel, "Look at that one!" "There's more stars over there!" "I wonder what is that cluster of stars?" Pop said excitedly as he pointed toward the northeastern sky.

For the next several minutes, we stood quietly, observing the show overhead. If you have never paused to watch the stars and then pause again to see the stars reflected back in your Pop's eyes, you are missing something wonderful, try it sometime!

One Soccer Sock Sleeper

Pop has recently adopted a habit of getting up very early (7:30 AM) to start his daily routine. Part of this routine includes putting on his soccer socks. Although this seems quite mundane, to the inexperienced observer it is quite disconcerting. Pop will literally fall asleep in between putting his socks on. Sound asleep!
Like a soccer player preparing for the big game, Pop plans his strategy.  It's simple: one sock per half.

1. One sock and one slipper on one foot
2. Sleep... and allow one sock to drape across unslippered foot and one bare foot.
3. Halftime
4. Begin again at step 1.

Game on! Time to start breakfast.

PS I recently asked Pop about this habit. He said, "I just like to take a little rest in-between."

Hero

Many times I have written in this blog about the funny things that Pop and Mom say and do. Today it is a more serious post. On Monday, February 7, 2011 Pop was a hero. Mom and Pop were eating breakfast, each sitting at opposite ends of the kitchen table. Suddenly, Mom turned a grayish color and slumped over in the chair. Pop tried to revive her and she remained non-responsive. He quickly dialed 911, asked the operator to send help immediately and gave our address. Within a few anxious minutes, the police and ambulance arrived to take Mom to the hospital. Although relieved that Mom was getting help, Pop was still very worried. She suffered another stroke, (at the hospital they call that an "event). My husband called Pop a hero and said, "that's why we won the war Pop."

Sunday Morning

Ten times today Pop asked me, “Why are you home today? Are you off from school because of the snow?” (He does have the questioning capacity of a four year old.) Nine times I explained to him that it’s Sunday. I don’t go to school on Sunday.” By the tenth time, I was very exasperated, I finally said. "Pop look at the comics, if they are in color….It’s Sunday!”

Saturday Mourning

It is a very snowy Saturday. At least 12 inches of snow have fallen and Mom and Pop have cabin fever. Anyway, Pop got up early, started his breakfast and then realized that he didn't have his newspaper. They say that there are five stages of grief, Pop experienced all of these: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

• He couldn’t possibly have breakfast without his newspaper. He never has breakfast without his newspaper. How could this happen? It always just appears at the table when I get up in the morning.
• Did the delivery person (Eric) forget? What to do? What to do?
• Should I try to get it myself? Wait, the last time I did that, I fell. (He didn’t really think that, I just wanted you to know that he really did fall outside in the snow trying to get his newspaper) Or wait to see if it magically appears?
• Maybe if I wish real hard, when I open my eyes or it will be here. Or maybe after I get out of the bathroom for the fourth time this morning, I’ll find it folded neatly on the chair. Oh, no! I’ve finished my cantaloupe and my oatmeal will be gone soon too and still no paper.
• I guess I will have to finish my three-hour breakfast without my paper to read or my fizzle to punish. (see spoonerisms for translation)

There is a happy ending to this sad, snowy, story. Jazz found the paper buried under a mound of snow and saved the day…just like Lassie!

Code Breakers

At the dinner table tonight...

Mom: "Hold it up to the light and look at its rear-end." 
This reference was a mystery until...
Pop lifted his pill box, turned it over, and held it up to the light to see if he had taken his dinner pills. 


(Oh so much easier than opening up that little lid.)

Still More Spoonerisms

This is a  list of some of the chores Pop used to do as a boy:
peep the sworch                    low the mawn                

gater the warden                   tant the plomatoes

What's in a name? That which we call Holly...

...Pop calls Homer, Otto, or Harley.

Recently we dogsat for my son who was visiting my older son in Munich for Oktoberfest. For some reason, Pop just could not remember Holly's name. Holly being the sweet dog that she is would happily respond to whatever Pop called her. Shakespeare he ain't

... by any other name would smell as sweet.

We're not talking about driving

"He has a hard time steering the old thing" Mom's description of Pop peeing and missing the toilet bowl.

Pen Malfunction

I took Mom to the grocery store today and at the checkout line, she wrote a check to pay the bill. The cashier asked her to write her phone number on the check. Mom asked me to look at the check to make sure that she had written it correctly. She wrote a zero in place of a four in her phone number. I told her her mistake and she said, "I wrote a zero instead of a four, because THIS PEN doesn't have anymore fours."

Big Boy Boo Boos

Most of these tales seem to revolve around doctor's visits, because that is what we do...visit doctors. Last week I took mom to the dentist. As we walked to the office, I took my eyes off Pop for one second to help mom up the incline and Pop fell. Fortunately, he was not hurt but did suffer a skinned knee and two scuffed knuckles. As we walked into the office, Pop sat down and promptly pulled his pant leg up to reveal his rug-burned knee. "Ooo, Oww, it hurts," Pop complained. I asked the receptionist if she had a bandaid. After I positioned the bandaid on his knee, Pop said, " I hurt my knuckles too!" Another request to the receptionist for two more bandaids, and after placement, he was satisfied and surveyed his wounds as he sat patiently in the waiting room with one pant leg pulled up.

Unintentional Innuendo

One night at dinner, mom recalled a recent news story about a house of prostitution that was busted by the police. She said, "the police had all the condiments spread all over the table, and he said they must have had a hard on to want money that bad." It was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.

A Simple but Busy Life!

As I have said  before, Pop leads a very simple life but that doesn't mean he isn't busy! Breakfast is a leisurely meal lasting about two hours. Pop has oatmeal, cantalope and coffee every morning. Which sounds simple enough but the process is very complicated. Coffee is 1/4 cup coffee, seven teaspoons of sugar, evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. (and he always wonders why his coffee is cold. You can hear him say under his breath, "Darn!" when he takes his first sip) The oatmeal has strawberries and banana evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. Strawberries and bananas have to be cut up first before the oatmeal is cooked. It must be Quick Oats (one minute cooking time) verses Old Fashioned Oats (5 minutes cooking time) because it will save him four whole minutes in the morning. Half a cantalope, that must be cut the night before to make sure it is cold enough.

When he leaves the table two hours later, the sugar bowl is empty because he is too busy to fill it, the cantalope rine is in the sink, too busy to throw it in the garbage, the morning paper is still spread on the table and the coffee is still cold...

More Spoonerisms

I was explaining to my students one day, about Pop's ability to speak in spoonerisms and gave a few examples. One worried student asked, "Can he talk right if he wants to?"

nicken choodle soup             chicolate chop cookies                pollilops                          peanut belly and jutter

chicken noodle soup             chocolate chip cookies                lollipops                          peanut butter and jelly