I'm Singing the Service Station Blues

Last week with Mom and Pop in tow, I stopped to get gas in their car. I pretended to be a friendly small town gas attendant. I whistled while I cleaned the windows, checked the oil and air in their tires, jauntily tipped my pretend hat and cheerily said, "That will be $24.16, Ma'am." Mom handed me $24.25 and said, "Keep the change." I frowned, only .19 tip. Mom explained, "You didn't do such a good job on the windows!"

Albert and Adam

"As I may have told you," as youngsters get older, oldsters get younger. At some point, they converge and share the same abilities, conversation skills, and social expertise.

Meet Adam (great-grandson), who is four, and  Pop Pop who is 95. They both share a love of checkers and spending time on the porch swing. A simple life!

HAPPY EASTER!

I don't get paid enough for this job

Here is a rundown of my day:

6:00 AM Rise and Shine
7:15  at work preparing math and reading lessons for the school day
3:00  pretty good day, students leave on the bus
4:00  finish up grading papers and leave work
4:15  at the mall to get watch battery for Pop
5:00  arrive home to start second job and hear Mom screeching at Pop.
5:02  hand Pop his watch sans a thank you, discover reason for screeching
5:03  greeted by yellow and brown water seeping from their toilet and flooding the bathroom floor
5:04  throw down old towels to delay the inevitable
5:05  change into bio-hazard suit and begin plunging
5:17  still plunging
6:09  bend wire hanger to try to fish out offending clog
6:35  head to store to buy Liquid Plumber
7:00  still clogged
7:48  husband arrives home to meet frazzled wife
7:49  after brief update, takes over CPR (compress, plunge, repeat)
8:07  head to Home Depot to purchase Sooper Dooper Pooper Blaster AKA 3' Heavy Duty Cable Auger (the kind you hope you never have to use)
9:08  clog is cleared, towels in large trash bag, last remnants of wadded up toilet paper wiped up
9:09 PM dispose of bio-hazard suit
9:09 PM Pop waiting patiently to use the bathroom
9:15 PM sit down to dinner. For some reason we aren't very hungry

See post dated February 9, 2012, Name that Turd (nearly a year to the date of this environmental disaster)

Just when I thought it was really over...

This past Saturday, Mom decided after 60 years of marriage that she couldn't stay with Pop anymore. She just couldn't stand it! It was over. She was finished. It's final!

She was obviously frustrated about something Pop had done. I just had to find a way to soothe her and get to the root of her frantic ravings.

"I can't sleep with you anymore." she shouted at Pop.
 It's true, I thought, she really means it this time. Then I heard ...
"I've decided to buy a new mattress."

So off we went to the Macy's mattress sale. Before we left, I told Mom to bring her walker because it would be a hike going through the mall. At first she refused, but her resolve was strong and the walker prevailed.

As we were getting in the car, I told her to be careful with the walker, don't go too fast and use small steps. Here was her proud response, "I was trained in the use of this walker!"

Three hours later and Certified Walker Mom, who speed-walked her way through the entire mall, was the proud owner of a queen mattress and box spring set, two sets of queen sheets and queen mattress pad.

"That'll fix him!" she said out loud.

Porch Swinging-Redneck Style

You might be a Redneck...
    ...if you have living room furniture on the deck and porch instead of a swing and rocking chairs.

Happy Birthday Mom

Mom celebrated her 87th birthday today with little fanfare...just a tasty ice cream cake and lots and lots of scratch-off lottery tickets, her  favorite past time next to watching Bones, NCIS, White Collar, Law and Order SVU, Cold Case, and CSI marathons.

I handed her a quarter to start scratching. She said, "I usually use a penny, do you think a quarter will work?"

Conversation

Here was my conversation with Mom yesterday:

Mom: I swatted Inca (our cat) with a banana.
Me: A what?!
Mom: A banana
Me: Wasn't a newspaper good enough?
Mom: No fruit works best

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for family and friends, for good fortunes and good food. Our gathering was all of that and more. The guests arrived in a steady stream all day bringing goodies and lots of conversation. When my son and daughter-in-law arrived they greeted Mom Mom and Pop Pop and Lisa, who is 9 months pregnant with their first baby and our first grandchild, excused herself to go to the bathroom. She said, "the baby is going bouncy, bouncy on my bladder." As she left the room, Mom Mom announced, "Pop goes to the bathroom all the time, the baby must be going bouncy, bouncy on Pop's bladder too!"

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy roared through the East Coast two days ago and caused massive devastation and destruction in her path. Fortunately our household was spared much of her wrath but what to do with two bored old-timers who are shut in for long, rainy and windy days? Pop, ever the ultimate survivalist, drawing on skills honed from his days in the army, using his keen sense of timing and perseverance, his courage and fearlessness; man facing down the storm that raged around him. He created his own solution to this debacle. Draw pictures on the foggy windows with his finger. Here are the simple step by step instructions: breathe on the window, draw picture, erase with sleeve of shirt, repeat.

A Riddle for you

What do Boo from Monster's Inc. and Pop have in common?









Both love to sing in the bathroom!

Rated R

Our cat, Inca, loves Mom and Pop because they remain stationary for hours in their recliners. Therefore, Inca can "cat nap" for as long as they "human nap."  So, when Pop got up to go to the doctor's, he had cat hair all over him. Mom admonished Pop and grabbed the adhesive lint brush (this is the R rated part) and began  vigorously rolling it up and down Pop's crotch area. After several minutes of Mom's ministrations Pop announced, "Doll Baby, that's enough, Dolly Baby that's enough."

Top ten things you can count on Pop to say or do at dinner

1. I'm not really that hungry
2. Wow, is that all for me 
3. Is there anything else to eat?
4. Just give me a little bit.
5. What's for dessert?
6. What day is it?
7. What's on the program tonight? (Larry AKA Lawrence Welk)
8. I think I dropped something on the floor.
9. She won't pay any attention to me. (We're not sure if he is talking about Mom or the dog)
10. Make mine medium-rare.

He Still Loves Her

My Dad has the sweetest habit in the world.  He constantly tells Mom he loves her.  It doesn’t matter what time of day or night, he will lean over her and say, “Have I told you today I love you?  Doll Baby, I love you!” Kind of endearing, right? Well, to be truthful, it drives Mom crazy!  This will continue all day and sometimes Mom grits her teeth and says,” Yeah!” and waves him away, because she is watching something really important on TV like Inmates Raw, Law & Order SVU, Bones or some other detective/murder story.  My sisters and I tell her all the time that she will miss him and his “Doll Baby, I love you!” when he is gone, but Mom is not persuaded.

One particular day when I was talking to Mom, I asked her how Dad was doing.  (He had popped a blood vessel in his eye when he sneezed.)  I asked her if he seemed any different, i.e., walking, speaking, etc. and she said without hesitation, “No, he still loves me!”

Thanks for another great post, from my regular guest blogger, my sister, Jackie.

Pop is 95!!!

Yesterday was a momentous occasion. Pop turned 95 years old. Here are a few events and inventions that have occurred during his lifetime.

1917 zipper invented
1918 electrically propelled warship and solid propellant rockets
1919 pop-up toaster and rotary dial telephones
1920 radio compass, electric hearing aid, Q-tips and Band-aids
1921 polygraph
1922 microfilm
1923 Schick razors, self-winding watch, electric shaver, traffic signals
1924 Otis elevator-first automatic elevator
1926 first trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversation, Kool-Aid, gas refrigerator
1927 proto-type of television  invented by Philo T. Farnsworth
1928 Scotch tape invented, introduction of sliced bread and bubble gum
1929 Dunlop Laboratories made foam rubber and 1st manned rocket plan flight
1930 1st red and green traffic lights installed in Manhattan NYC, masking tape, flashbulb and chocolate chip cookies
1931 ATT began commercial teletype services, The Bosch Semaphore was introduced. It was an orange arm that drivers could pop out the window to signal turns.
1932 1st patent was issued for a peach tree, Philips made is 1,000,000 radio
1933 1st aircraft carrier was christened: USS Ranger.
1934 test of practical radar apparatus was made by Rudolf Kuhnold in Germany, the Readphone was produced for putting literature and music on long-playing disks.
1935 ball point pen invented, RADAR, Pop graduated from Haverford High School
1936 screw-on bottle cap with pour lip was patented
1937 Ernest Vincent Wright wrote the novel Gadsby containing 50,100 words and none of the words contains the letter E.
1938 First color TV was demonstrated, 1st successful test of photocopier and parking meters
1939 September 1, 1939 WWII officially began and Uranium atom split
1940 Neptunium was discovered and named after the planet Neptune.
1941 Alfred Butts of NY invented the board game Scrabble.
1942 Twenty six countries agree to create the United Nations
1943 Silly Putty invented, originally made as a synthetic rubber during WWII and Slinky made from 80 feet of steel wire
1944 aerosol spray cans invented

1945 May 7, 1945 WWII officially ended, microwave was patented

1946 US patent was filed for H-bomb
1947 Bell labs invented cellular phone technology
1948 first tape recorder and Polaroid camera was sold, production of 33 1/3 records, X-rays
1949 Frank J. Zamboni invented the Zamboni Ice Resurfacing Machine, 45 RPM records
1950 disposable diapers, Korean War begins on June 25
1952 UPC codes invented
1953 Korean War cease fire on July 27
1954 First time a mile was run in under 4 minutes by Roger Banniste, Sports Illustrated first issue
1955 Velcro invented, Vietnam war began on November 1
1956 Play-Doh patented
1957 Peak of the Baby Boomers years
1958 LEGOS patented

1975 Vietnam war ends on April 30

an amazing list condensed into 95 years .http://timelines.ws/subjects/Technology.HTML

Edelweiss

NPR is doing a series on “Thanks for the Music Mom & Dad” where listeners are asked “how, for better or worse, has your parents' record collection shaped your own taste in music?”

While listening to this series on my NPdrive home from work,  the first interview was with Audra McDonald.  She was talking about Christopher Plummer singing Edelweiss in the Sound of Music.

I had a flashback of Dad, with our record player he purchased while he was a member of the Columbia Record Club.  It was gray and white, with two side speakers that you unbuckled from the sides.  One of Dad’s favorite records was the Broadway recording of the Sound of Music.  I can still hear him singing along with Theodore Bickel to Edelweiss.  Edelweiss is still one of Dad’s all-time favorite songs.

It still amazes me how something as simple as a song, can stir up so many memories.

Thanks Dad!

Thanks to my guest blogger, my sister Jackie, for this great memory of Dad.

PS I remember Grandmom sitting on the green metal glider on the big stone front porch playing her old banjo and singing Edelweiss.

Happy 60th Anniversary

Today is Mom and Pop's 60th Anniversary. I'll try to be brief as I give you a rundown of the days' events.

Yesterday I asked Pop what he would like to get Mom for their anniversary. His response, "When is it?" "It's tomorrow." "Oh, okay, I guess a new car" My husband then tells Mom that he made reservations for dinner at IHop tomorrow night. Mom: "Don't you dare." Husband: "I already did!" Later that evening, Mom to me: " He better not make reservations at IHoo."
Me: "Dinner for four tomorrow at 5:30 PM." (Death stare number 1)

Next day, on the kitchen table are three anniversary cards, and gifts for Pop. Pop: "What's all this for?" Mom: "It's our 60th anniversary today." Pop: "How many years have we been married?" Mom: "60"

Fast forward 6:00 PM:

So, off we go to IHope. Mom: " He won't eat anything there." Husband: "Their specialty is sushi."Pop: "Where are we going?" Me: "We are late for our reservations." (Death stare number 2)

We enter IPop.  Mom: "We should have gone to Olive Garden." Husband: "I hear their hollandaise sauce is great!" Pop: "Why are we going out to dinner?"  I kept my mouth shut this time.

The waitress at HopOnPop serves us dinner: Mom: "Lots of old people here!" Husband: "Who put the coffee in Pop's cream and sugar. Pop: "Would you look at the size of that fellow!"

Later that evening:
Ice cream cake was served and on the top written in icing Happy Anniversary. Pop: "Who got married?" Pop wasn't looking at Mom but I'm pretty sure he would not have survived the death stare.

Name that Turd!

Today I came home from school and was greeted by Mom screeching at Pop, "Where's the plunger?!" She repeated louder, "Where's the plunger?!"  As I approached their apartment, I heard a toilet flushing, water running and then I went running, as my superhero, alter ego, Toxic Avenger to the rescue!

WARNING: If you are squeamish, stop reading here...
Floating in yellow water rimming to the toilet seat were several turds in various states of decomposition. I sprang into action trying to avoid a catastrophic environmental cleanup.

Flashback to earlier this afternoon, Pop uses the bathroom and then uses wads and wads of TP. He neglects to flush the toilet. Mom goes in to use the bathroom and when she flushes, the clog is immediately evident.

Meanwhile, Pop is content to sit in the recliner watching the TV at ear-piercing volume and remains blissfully unaware of his part in this near disaster that created a foul ecosystem that had been brewing for hours. After everything was cleaned up, Pop asks, "What did Mom need the plunger for?"

The Merchant of Venice

Mom's modern day version of this Shakespeare classic goes like this

Act I:
Narrator: As of January 1, 2012 Mom and Pop's private insurance will be changed to Medicare Advantage.
Mom (in her best Shakespearean dialect): Forsooth, why oh why must it be changed?  What option (casket) should I choose?

Act II: Two weeks later:
Mobile Lab: I'm coming out tomorrow morning to draw some blood that your doctor (Shylock) ordered.
Narrator: The Mobile Lab arrives, draws three vials of blood from Mom and two vials from Pop. Mom is upset because they took so much blood, they usually only take one vial of blood and only from me, not from Pop.

Later that same day: Mom received two phone calls. One from the doctor's office confirming an appointment for Pop and the other from the Mobile Lab at the hospital about their blood work results and questions about insurance information.

Mom is convinced that the reason they took so much blood (a pound of flesh)  is because of the faulty new insurance plan and they are accepting blood in lieu of insurance payments.

Pop's Wardrobe Choices

I've mentioned in previous posts what a snappy dresser Pop is but these two photos explain it better than any description I could write.

On the left Pop rocking the Hugh Hefner look and on the right a classic Bill Murray, Caddy Shack. If you look closely you can see his
Haverford scarf embroidered with
                                                     Class of 1935!

T'was the Night Before Christmas....

... and all through the house,
the TV was deafening at Mom and Pop's house.

The stockings were hung but yet to be filled

with candies and Combos and lots of goodwill.

The parents were nestled all snug in their recliners,

With had visions of gummy bears what could be finer
And Mom in her blanket and Pop with his puzzle,

And me I just wanted the TV to muzzle!@#
Cleaning and cooking, sweeping and mopping
and then off to do some last minute shopping
Paper and ribbons, boxes and bows
wrapping and tape, anything goes!
And all of a sudden there was a knock at the door
Twelve people for breakfast and for dinner much more
The TV still blaring, the parents asleep
And me, my sanity I want to keep

As I finally snuggled in bed for the night
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Reader's Digest version of stories that will never be written

A ton of tiny twinkle lights lay tangled on the tile floor alongside a bevy of broken and busted, battered and beat up balls that had been bounced across the blanketed floor and there in the middle of the chaos, lay Clarence the cat, who had inflicted copious amount of damage on the Christmas tree that had crashed to the ground at the crack of dawn that cold Christmas morn.

Mrs. Grinch

You probably didn't know that the Grinch had a wife. She lives with me. I love decorating for Christmas. I love the bright lights, the colorful decorations, the presents and bows, the beautiful music. Mom loathes the thought of card writing, caroling, baking, and celebrating the season.  Pop on the other other hand, enjoys looking at all the glittering decorations on the tree and watching my sisters and I decorate their house. He loves his "antique" train set that circles underneath his Christmas tree. He loves to tell the story about how he bought that train set for his daughter, Jackie's, first Christmas. He is enamored at the prospect of opening presents on Christmas morning and joyfully singing Christmas carols. Mom, however, sums it up..."I'm going to be Jewish this year"

 Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.         - Dr. Seuss

Shopping for Pasties

Mom loves to go grocery shopping. She clips coupons and makes lists. The problem is that sometimes the lists are difficult to decipher. One item was particularly perplexing. She had written pop-up pasties. She could have meant pop-top cans, pastries, pop-tarts, or pasta or....possibly she really wanted pasties; sexy, pop-up pasties w/tassels. I looked all over Giant for them  (even in the stripper accessories aisle) but couldn't find them anywhere!

Cafe Ristorante

The elderly couple shuffles into the cafe at the 6:00 PM sharp and take their usual seats at the counter. The waitress recites the menu for tonight but Pop prefers to order a la carte and asks, "Is there anything else to eat?" "Yeah, cold cereal," the waitress adds sweetly.

Dinner is brought to their table piping hot but Mom complains, "this meat is overcooked and it's not even hot!" Pop adds,"I'm not really hungry." Meanwhile, Mom is cleaning her plate of the meal that was overdone and the waitress has microwaved to the desired temperature. She grumbles because the stool is too small and she can't get comfortable. Pop pushes his food around on his plate to make it appear that he has actually eaten while he patiently waits for dessert.

Dessert is cinnamon buns, but again he asks, "Is there anything else?" Oreos and Tastycakes are brought to their table. He chooses the original option and then requests butter. The waitress clears off the dirty plates and silverware and prepares the dessert. Pop is eager for his dessert because he hasn't eaten his dinner and asks the waitress again for butter for his cinnamon bun. (The cafe is short-staffed tonight.) He states the obvious when he says, "This butter is cold" but he lets that slide because the waitress has microwaved his cinnamon bun and the butter melts instantly.

The weary waitress cleans the remnants of their meal from the table, sans a tip, as the elderly couple leave the Ristorante to return again tomorrow night.

Pop Discovers YouTube

Tonight after dinner, Pop recalled a favorite song from the 40's called Turn the Radio On. I decided to Google the lyrics to the song and sure enough, they had a version of the song on YouTube. It wasn't long before Pop requested, Tennessee Waltz, I Want to Go Where You Go, Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, Buttons and Bows and other wildly popular Top 10 hits.

Pop sat with the headphones on, singing along as he conducted just like Lawrence Welk. He stopped after each song and asked where do you put the tape in for these songs? How did you get them in there with the movie? Is it just like TV? No explanation I gave could convince him that the waves around us found their way into my computer. I finally told him it was magic!