Still More Spoonerisms

This is a  list of some of the chores Pop used to do as a boy:
peep the sworch                    low the mawn                

gater the warden                   tant the plomatoes

What's in a name? That which we call Holly...

...Pop calls Homer, Otto, or Harley.

Recently we dogsat for my son who was visiting my older son in Munich for Oktoberfest. For some reason, Pop just could not remember Holly's name. Holly being the sweet dog that she is would happily respond to whatever Pop called her. Shakespeare he ain't

... by any other name would smell as sweet.

We're not talking about driving

"He has a hard time steering the old thing" Mom's description of Pop peeing and missing the toilet bowl.

Pen Malfunction

I took Mom to the grocery store today and at the checkout line, she wrote a check to pay the bill. The cashier asked her to write her phone number on the check. Mom asked me to look at the check to make sure that she had written it correctly. She wrote a zero in place of a four in her phone number. I told her her mistake and she said, "I wrote a zero instead of a four, because THIS PEN doesn't have anymore fours."

Big Boy Boo Boos

Most of these tales seem to revolve around doctor's visits, because that is what we do...visit doctors. Last week I took mom to the dentist. As we walked to the office, I took my eyes off Pop for one second to help mom up the incline and Pop fell. Fortunately, he was not hurt but did suffer a skinned knee and two scuffed knuckles. As we walked into the office, Pop sat down and promptly pulled his pant leg up to reveal his rug-burned knee. "Ooo, Oww, it hurts," Pop complained. I asked the receptionist if she had a bandaid. After I positioned the bandaid on his knee, Pop said, " I hurt my knuckles too!" Another request to the receptionist for two more bandaids, and after placement, he was satisfied and surveyed his wounds as he sat patiently in the waiting room with one pant leg pulled up.

Unintentional Innuendo

One night at dinner, mom recalled a recent news story about a house of prostitution that was busted by the police. She said, "the police had all the condiments spread all over the table, and he said they must have had a hard on to want money that bad." It was all I could do not to fall on the floor laughing.

A Simple but Busy Life!

As I have said  before, Pop leads a very simple life but that doesn't mean he isn't busy! Breakfast is a leisurely meal lasting about two hours. Pop has oatmeal, cantalope and coffee every morning. Which sounds simple enough but the process is very complicated. Coffee is 1/4 cup coffee, seven teaspoons of sugar, evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. (and he always wonders why his coffee is cold. You can hear him say under his breath, "Darn!" when he takes his first sip) The oatmeal has strawberries and banana evaporated milk, half and half and skim milk. Strawberries and bananas have to be cut up first before the oatmeal is cooked. It must be Quick Oats (one minute cooking time) verses Old Fashioned Oats (5 minutes cooking time) because it will save him four whole minutes in the morning. Half a cantalope, that must be cut the night before to make sure it is cold enough.

When he leaves the table two hours later, the sugar bowl is empty because he is too busy to fill it, the cantalope rine is in the sink, too busy to throw it in the garbage, the morning paper is still spread on the table and the coffee is still cold...

More Spoonerisms

I was explaining to my students one day, about Pop's ability to speak in spoonerisms and gave a few examples. One worried student asked, "Can he talk right if he wants to?"

nicken choodle soup             chicolate chop cookies                pollilops                          peanut belly and jutter

chicken noodle soup             chocolate chip cookies                lollipops                          peanut butter and jelly

The Test

This post provides definitive proof that elder folk turn into four year olds. My nephew graduated from Villanova this year with his MBA (Congrats Nick!) We celebrated by going to a restaurant. My niece, who is four and my mother sat next to each other counting the sugar packets and rearranging the flatware. I asked my niece about school and what was her favorite subject. She said, "Give me a test, Aunt Kathy." "OK," I said, "The topic is animals." Mom and Alice were immediately attentive and delighted at this challenge.

First question: What kind of animal has a horn coming out of its forehead?

Alice: A unicorn                                Mom: A rhino

Second question: What kind of animal hibernates and eats honey?

Alice: Winnie the Pooh                      Mom: a bear

Third and final question: What kind of animal has stripes?

Alice: a zebra                                     Mom: Tony the Tiger?

It's a bird, it's a crane...it's an ostridge

Mom sometimes has difficulty finding the correct word she wants to say. A few weeks ago, it was pouring rain and I said, "Look, that big blue heron is out on the pond looking for fish." "Yeah," Mom observed, "the crane and ostridge were out there too." This week the blue heron was dubbed the pink flamingo.

Rock Tumbling

Pop has always been an amateur geologist. As a boy, his favorite past time was collecting rocks and garnets. Each treasure he brought home, he carefully chipped away excess rock and began polishing them by hand. As an adult, he bought himself a rock tumbler. Long days and endless nights were filled with the racket of rocks tumbling loudly in metal cylinders. Not that Pop ever complained because he couldn't hear them. Soon they were polished into shiny gems. Mom's jewelry box sparkled with earrings and necklaces that Pop lovingly crafted for her. My husband couldn't resist this advice for my mom, "Wear it or make it a doorstop but just don't swim in it."

Parents' say the darndest things! Embarrassing Moment #1

As we get older, hearing fades and conversations get louder. Unfortunately, elder folk are not aware how loud their voices are, especially when you are sitting in close proximity to others such as in a doctor's office. Mom and Pop are big offenders. They think they are whispering, when in reality they are speaking quite loud and clear. In their minds, people can't hear them because they can't hear people.

On more than one occasion this has caused embarrassment. Pop enjoys a good game of I Spy at the doctor's office. During one visit he watched a rather large man enter the waiting room. Pop annouced, in what he thought was a whisper, "That's a big fellow" or "Look at the belly on that good ole' boy." Mom on the other hand will play, "Guess their Ailment" game. (Not yet available in stores) "She looks yellow," she will whisper loudly, "I'll bet she has liver disease." Then she will turn her attention to another patient, "That one's a smoker, lung cancer." she will declare. I sink lower in my chair and cast apologetic glances at individuals awaiting the doctor's care.

Health Class

Although Mom's rehab and recovery were remarkable after her stroke, she would still have days when she was confused. One particular day, my sons came home from school to find MomMom in her underwear sitting in the sunroom. They were very embarrassed until my husband jokingly exclaimed, "It just goes to show, no matter how many health classes you take...it never quite prepares you to see elder folk in their bra and bloomers!"

Spoonerisms

Pop is mentally sharp. He uses spoonerisms on a daily basis that baffle the novice linguist. In any conversation, he will throw in at least one or two spoonerisms. Now you probably wondering what are spoonerisms? By the time you finish reading this post, you will understand. Test yourself on these:

punish the fizzle       dash the wishes          shake a tower         cash the war

Did you understand what activites Pop was doing? He finished the puzzle, washed the dishes, took a shower and washed the car.

Getting the "Mailbag"

Pop leads a very simple life, filled with simple pleasures. One of those is getting the "mailbag." (Pop still thinks of it as the Pony Express.) He can't hear much anymore, but he can hear the low rumble of the mail truck as it makes its daily delivery. Like clockwork, Pop starts his journey down the driveway heading toward the mailbox. He removes the mail and shuffles back to the porch to sort the letters, catalogs and junk mail into piles. Mail addressed to Resident is randomly given to a pile. Every now and then, I get a Victoria Secret catalog. Pop tucks it at the bottom of his pile, saying to himself, "Oo, that's a good one!"

Hot Dogs with Crescent Rolls

Mom is an excellent cook, although some of her skills have deteriorated since her stroke, she still prepares a meal once or twice a week. One night, Pop announced, "Soup's on!" (our customary call to supper) "What are we having tonight?" I asked. "Hotdogs with crescent rolls," mom announced while carefully taking them from the oven. As she placed the hotdogs on the table, I asked, "What about the cheese you usually put in the hotdogs?" Mom responded, "I don't know that recipe."

It has to be a Virgin

I took Mom grocery shopping the other day. We slowly shuffled down each aisle looking for items on her list. We were in the condiments aisle when I heard her proclaim loudly, "Where's the virgin, the recipe said it had to be a virgin!" You guessed it, she was looking for virgin olive oil.

The Drive Through

Many years ago, when Pop was still driving, there was an incident we like to call "The Drive Through." Pop had just come back from the Wawa after purchasing his daily newspaper. He pulled into the driveway and just kept on going, right through our sunroom. The impact moved a couch inside the room several feet. My mom called me at school shortly afterward and said, "Pop bent the sunroom." That was an interesting way to put it and she failed to mention a car was involved. I was thinking that Pop had suddenly developed superhuman strength.

When I got home, I surveyed the damage. "Hummmm, a perfect right triangle," my math teacher mind was thinking. A perfect way to demonstrate the Pythagorean Theory. If the sunroom is perpendicular to the driveway and using Pop's car as the hypotenuse, how far did his car travel? A great example!

My husband, an engineer who designed the sunroom, had a completely different take on the event. After fixing the damage, he announced that the engineering was superb, no people were harmed in this event and it would be great advertising for the structure.

Simple Pleasures

A favorite past time for Pop is sitting on the porch with our big, black, goofy, Labrador retriever, Jazz. She and Pop love to gently rock on the swing while listening to the tinkle of the wind chimes. They will sit for hours snoozing or counting the cars go by. One day, when I got home from school, I heard Pop tell Jazz, "That was seven cars that got through that traffic light. The most all day!" Jazz watched Pop intently as he made this proclamation. Then they went back to watching the road, their heads moving in tandem to the passing cars. It reminded me of the last scene from the movie, "UP" where Carl and Russell are sitting on the curb watching the cars, "Red one, Blue one"

Those Little Records

New technology is a marvel to Pop. Ipods, cell phones, Internet, laptops, DVDs and CDs are wonders he never imagined possible growing up. So, when we purchased a CD player for him and Mom, along with several Lawrence Welk, Mitch Miller, and assorted Big Band CDs, he was left scratching his head. How could these little records could produce music? We didn't realize the extent of his perplexity until he asked why they didn't work when he flipped them over.

Who's on the phone, I don't know why they called

I know this is going to sound like an Abbott and Costello comedy routine, but this is stuff you just can't make up. Mom and Pop recently got new credit cards that had to be activated by calling an 800 number. Mom got the call started and activated her card. Then she said to the agent that she would like to activate her husband's card. The agent says that she must speak directly to him to get the information and warned mom and I that we could not prompt him. Did I mention that my Pop somewhat deaf? The conversation that ensued went something like this:

Agent to Pop: I need you to state your name.

Pop with phone to his ear: There's no one on this phone.

Agent repeats: Your name please.

Pop to me: What do you want me to do with this phone? Hang it up?

Agent: I want to help you activate your card

Pop: Oh wait, I think I hear something....no, nothing

Agent talking louder: OK, Albert, I have your name, what card number are you calling about?

Pop getting upset: I just can't hear, don't they know that?

Agent getting exasperated: Just answer "Yes" if this is your credit card number.

Pop: I think they want to know my phone number

Agent: Please put your daughter on the phone

Pop: What was that all about?

Celebrating Pop's 93rd Birthday at IHOP

IHOP is the favorite birthday destination for all nonagenarians...isn't it? (for those of you who are wondering nonagenarians are people between the ages of 90 and 99...but that's another story) Anyway, we are seated at a table for four getting ready to order when in walks a man, wearing very colorful vest and carrying a very large worn suitcase. As it turns out, Wednesday's at IHOP is a very special day and not just for Pop's birthday. It is balloon animal day! Well, Pop was thrilled with this entertainment that he was sure was prepared just for him. He even changed his seat to get a better view of the activities. After watching the "balloon man" make balloon flowers and balloon poodles for all the children, I approached him and asked him to make something special for Pop's birthday. He was glad to oblige. Pop was enthralled watching as the "balloon man's" creation came to life; a big, beautiful, colorful jester hat. Pop happily wore the hat all through dinner.

It was when we got home that the trouble began. I had just walked in from parking the car to hear Mom yelling at Pop. "What are you yelling at him for?" I asked, "It's his birthday."
"Oh, he broke his balloon hat," Mom said exaperated, "He just can't have anything nice!"

At the Doctor's

While waiting for the doctor to come into the exam room, I was trying to keep Mom and Pop amused. (think 4 year olds) So after playing the third round of I Spy, I was well into my second chorus of song and dance to Father Abraham had Seven Sons. The doctor walked in grinning at the entertainment. His statement that Pop had lost 11 pounds since last year was alarming and he said we should try supplements to increase his calorie intake. My Pop, who can’t hear thunder, asked, "What is he saying?" I said, "The doctor is going to write you a prescription to get a banana split at Dairy Queen." Pop was delighted and the doctor said, “Am I the best doctor or what!!"