Happy Mother's Day

The week prior to celebrating Mother's Day, Mom is her more than agreeable self, full of her usual wit, charm and sarcasm. Here are quoteable quotes for the week.

Husband: Mom I'm going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Mom (short and terse): NO
Husband (persistent): They have hats and scarves 50% off.
Mom just scowls
Husband arrives home with everything on his list and more, presents Mom with day old bakery items.
Mom: I should've asked for the hat and scarf.

Granddaughters arrive for the weekend to celebrate Mother's day. Hannah the oldest says to Clara just one year younger, lets go play MomMom and PopPop. They climb into the respective recliners and Hannah says. "I'm MomMom because I get the remote."


Soon after Clara says she has to go to the bathroom. Hannah says, we can use MomMom's potty. Clara is hesitant and finally explains why, "I don't want to use that one." (not sure which one)

Ugly Christmas Sweater 2017

Another school year, another ugly sweater fashion statement with my friend Sharon. I showed Mom my creation made from all the Christmas pins I have received throughout the years. As always, Mom has a clever way with words. "It certainly isn't ugly, BUT it certainly isn't cute either.” I'll let you decide.

T'was the Morning of Christmas

T’was the morning of Christmas, when all through the house, the doggies were hungry and bounded about.

The lottery tickets were arranged on the couch with great care, with dreams of winning danced in the air.

And Mom in her warm jacket, did grumble and gripe, “Why can’t she buy one that fits just right!”

With her arms full of presents, all shiny and new, Mom sprang from her walker, she knew exactly what to do. 

She tore open each gift with vigor and vim, and all of a sudden she started to grin.

When what to her wondering eyes did appear, a diminutive daughter hovering near.  A bundle of gifts she placed on her lap, and then with laugh, she started to clap.

The last present she declared with delight, “This is one I surely will like.”  The description was puzzling its true, but what a creative idea from you. Basic amplifier device for the ear, improves sound waves and makes them clear.

With a wink of her eye and a twist of her head, I knew I had something to dread. She spoke not a word as she tore through the wrapping, and I was worried because her twinkling eyes were flashing. 

And laying a finger aside of her nose, giving a nod up, up, up the finger it rose. I heard her exclaim as I ran out of sight – “You better hope I win the lottery tonight!”

 

PS: I had to make sure that the amplifier worked properly, so I serenaded Mom with Christmas carols to get her in the proper Christmas spirit. After about 30 minutes of singing, Mom said, “Why don’t you take a break?” I said, “I’m fine, I could sing for hours.” Mom replied, “No, really, TAKE A BREAK!” I guess she doesn’t appreciate live entertainment.

Vocabulary Lesson

Directions: Underline the vocabulary word, provide a definition and use it in a sentence.

1. Stroller -  n; a wheeled device used by Elderfolk to move slowly across a
smooth surface; walker.
                  "I was properly trained in the use of my stroller."

2. Go-cart - n; a wheeled device used by Elderfolk to move quickly across a
smooth surface; walker
                "Look how fast I can move with my go-cart."

3. Buttonhook - n; an appliance used to remove items that are on a high shelf; hanger.
                 "I pulled all those hats down from the shelf in my closet with the buttonhook.

4. Pillow Case -  n; small plastic compartmentalized box for holding daily medications; pill box
                "I lost my Tuesday pillow case behind the recliner."

5. Pop - v. to pass on, push up daisies, kicked the bucket.
                "Don't throw out those shoes, so I can wear them when I pop."

                 

Memorial Day 2017

Another Memorial Day has passed. I still miss him and his anecdotal stories about just about everything. I went to Whitemarsh Memorial Park to see the American Flags that are raised every year to honor veterans. Pop loved see them as we drove by. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried thinking about him.

Beautician-in-training

Seasons change, holidays pass, life goes on. Father's day, 99th birthday, birth of a new great-granddaughter. It's true, life does go on.

My granddaughter keeps things lively, entertaining MomMom as only Hannah can do. Her newest talent is polishing nails. She marched into MomMom's house and announced, "I'm going to polish your nails." Mom complied with her request. Here is the proof of Hannah's expertise.

Happy Memorial Day Pop!

Dear Pop,
I hope you are doing great! Today is Memorial Day and Jackie, Monica and I went to Mass at Sacred Heart Church. The Catholic War Vets had a ceremony that included a Flag procession, Gun salute and Taps. They had a plaque made with your name on it and it was placed on a larger plaque with other vets who have served. Uncle Jack's name was there too. Lots of people attended and the rain stopped, so we could move outside to complete the ceremony. (Thanks Pop)

Mom is doing OK, she misses you a lot even though she tries not to let us know. She is still good at giving orders and me at complying with them. (Although I'm not a good a soldier at you are, I'm trying)

Her orders for this Memorial Day were to put your flag on the flag pole and make sure the plaque was placed on the swing. Oh, I forgot to tell you about that. We had plaque made for your spot on the swing. I'll always look at the spot and think of you, Pop. I love you!

Love, Kathy

March Fourth

In memory of Pop, today is the day "everyone steps out."
             (Think about it...you'll get it.)

Pop was a clever man with word play. I'm sure he is up in heaven right now "punishing the fizzle."

Just call me Gru

I went back to school a few days ago after an extended absence of five days. The students were very excited to see me. (but not excited enough to give their naughtiness a break) The day began in a typical way and I was still feeling pretty low. One little girl asked, "Mrs. Matthews, do you need a hug?" I replied, "I always need a hug." She wove her way through the desks to the front of the room and gave me a nice hug. When I looked behind her, almost the entire class had gotten in line behind her to get a hug.

I felt a little like Gru and the minions.

Goodnight Irene

My husband said that Pop was the perpetual shuffler. He always shuffled his way around the house. "Pop is going to shuffle his way into heaven."

The doctor said, "People often die the way they lived."

The hospice nurse said he was a fighter, he loved life so much, "You don't get to be 98 by being a wimp."

I said, how do you end a life story?  With a kiss and a prayer and every dream come true...

I'll end it with the song that Pop and I sang every night before he went to bed.

Goodnight Irene,

Goodnight Irene,

I'll see you in my dreams

Give My Regards to Broadway

Pop has been non-responsive and non-verbal for five days now but the doctor assures us the he can still hear when we speak to him. The long hours spent in vigil at his bedside have been heart breaking. To keep the mood upbeat and to prove the doctor's point, my sisters and I have been "entertaining Pop with campfire songs from our childhood, much to Mom's chagrin. We had to pause for a brief commercial break when the nurse arrived to give Pop his meds. She chuckled at our choice of songs and we giggled in embarrassment that people in the hallway heard our renditions.

For our next selection, we chose a patriotic theme, we thought was appropriate for Pop, a WWII vet. We are now rehearsing for a medley of show tunes from Broadway. Pop, for better or worse, is a captive audience.

Relatively Pleasant Day, if it hadn't started so early.

Pop's dementia is progressing but generally he is good-natured and provides us with opportunities to laugh.

According to Pop, we had a lot of plans on this sunny day. First thing in the morning, 4:00 AM, we played a round of golf (18 holes, I lost) then 2 sets of tennis (I lost), by late afternoon, we strolled along the Atlantic City boardwalk (sans the sunscreen) watched the young couples going by, judged a beauty pageant, and saw bunnies hopping on the beach. If it wasn't for the darn mosquitoes and mice, it would have been the perfect day.

Unfortunately, there were a few dark clouds on the horizon too. It was getting late and his  mom and dad would be worried, so we had to hurry home. When we arrived home, his childhood home has changed so much since he has been gone and nothing looked the same. He had problems during the war but never one like this. Pop asks, "What should I do?"

Pop has been awake for over 24 hours, medications given to sedate him have been ineffective, sleep is elusive. I ask, "What should I do?"

Happy 90th Birthday Mom

Although it is belated, we wish you the best 90th Birthday ever, Mom!

Poops! Bloops! Oops!

Pop had another fall. This one resulted in hospitalization. He is not the best patient, nor does he have much patience. He insisted on having his bed directly in front of the door to see the activities outside his room. He would wave to the nurses, doctors and staff members who would smile and wave back.

The doctor came in with Pop's paperwork attached and ordered several tests. He said, we need to find the cause for this fall; dizziness, dehydration, low blood pressure. He went on to list several other factors that could have contributed to this fall.

I offered the doctor my diagnosis...he slipped on the poop on the bathroom floor. Without a moment's hesitation, the doctor responded, "I don't see a check box for that" My reply, "Can we list it under other?"

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone enjoyed time with their families and a chance to gather together to give thanks!

TURKEY 19 lbs -- CLARA 20 lbs.

I love music of all kinds,

but there's no greater music 

than the sound of my grandchildren laughing

Poop in Pot? The Suess version

Poop in Pot?
NO, NO, I think not
Poop on Pop.

Turd in toilet?
NO, NO  not yet
Turd in trashcan.

Crap in the can?
NO Sir, NO Ma'am
Crap on the carpet

S@#t on seat?
Yes, Yes, it's quite a feat
S#@t on seat

S#@t on slippers?
Yes, ma'am, Yes, sir
S#@t on slippers

Poop in Pot?
NO, NO, I think not
Poop on Pop.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

Last night as I served Mom and Pop dinner, I went to set down the dinner plates on the paper shredder that serves as a small table between their matching recliners. It was cluttered with TV remotes, cordless phone, newspapers and something I could not immediately identify but had a distinctly identifiable smell.

"What's that?" I said
"I don't know" Pop said
 "It's...poop" Mom said.
"I found it on the floor." Pop said

"Where did it come from?" I said.
"Where do you think it came from?" Mom said.
"I think Jazz, (our black lab) was just in here." Pop said.

"Oh S@#t," I said.
"That's right," Mom said.
"Don't curse," Pop said.

Then to my horror, Mom picked up the turd, (with her bare hands) carefully examined it, and casually tossed it into the trashcan.

Stifling the urge to gag, I returned with a very large container of disinfectant wipes, rubber gloves and a clean trash bag.

Happy 98th Birthday Pop!

Yesterday, Pop celebrated his 98th birthday! At least twice when I served him cupcakes and later in the day an ice cream cake, he asked, "Now who's birthday is it?

LOOKING GOOD POP!

One Ply or Two?

One ply or two? Septic or public? 30/50 or 40/60? I stared blankly at my interrogator. Ma'am, how long has it been like this? I rubbed my eyes from the bright light shining in my face. Ma'am snap out of it. It all seemed so real, like it just happened. Was I dreaming...?

Once more we have experienced an unnatural disaster of epic proportions, but this time we had to call in a professional. I was schooled on the proper plunging techniques, how to get the most leverage when using a snake. I was advised to purchase a power flush toilet, power plunger, and a new fill valve.   My copious notes include all the basic plumbing vocabulary, complete with definitions provided by the professional. Any questions? he asked after the lesson was over. Yes, how do I keep Pop from using too much toilet paper?

It was his turn to give me a blank stare.

Pee Slippers

Pop has been having difficulty steering his stream of pee into the toilet. He seems to miss the mark every time. The urine usually ends on his slippers or on the floor in front of the toilet. We have tried the usual methods to encourage accurate aim. Cheerios and bulls eye targets floating in the bowl have not had the desired results. So Mom decided to take things into her own hands…literally. She follows Pop into the bathroom and holds it for him while he pees. My husband remarked, “it gives a whole new meaning to the marriage vows…to have and to hold.”

Quote from the book, The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared: 

"The 100-year-old man set off in his pee-slippers (so called because men of advanced age rarely pee farther than their shoes)" Pop is just 2 years shy of the 100-year mark.

Happy 89th Birthday Mom!

Another year for Mom to celebrate being Queen for a Day! A juicy hamburger with all the trimmings and ice cream cake was on the menu, the birthday girl's favorite foods.

Her favorite part of the day was a visit from her great-daughter Hannah. Here is part of the dinner conversation:
Pop: Hannah, you're full of soup.
          (Pause...eat...repeat)
Pop: Hannah, you're full of soup.
          (Pause...eat...repeat)
Pop: I love you (a favorite saying of Pop's, he points to his eye, then his heart and then at Hannah)
Pop: I love you (same gestures)
         (Pop can't remember what he said 5 seconds ago)
So far a one-sided conversation to which Hannah replied patiently, "PopPop I'm busy eating"
Pop: Hannah, you're full of malarkey
That got Hannah's attention. She tried to repeat it...malarkey...malarkey
Hannah: You're so silly, PopPop!

Ugly Christmas Sweater

Today was ugly Christmas sweater day at school. Determined to have the ugliest sweater possible, I set to work like an elf in the toy factory on Christmas Eve. Selecting only the gaudiest, glittery-est, yet glamorous, materials I could find to create a unique, one of a kind sweater sure to inspire shrieks and hisses from jealous competitors.

After hours of hard work, glued fingers and careful editing, I was convinced that I had the ugliest sweater possible, I modeled it for Mom and Pop. Pop's reaction (without a hint of sarcasm,) "Oh Doll Baby, you look beautiful!" Mom's response (dripping with sarcasm), "You're not going to wear that to school! You'll be arrested by the ugly fashion police."

I'm the one on the right. You can't see it in the photo but my shoes matched my headpiece.

Albert and Albert

                                                 Albert 1                             Albert 2

Einstein and Mom

                                                Theresa                                         Albert

Now where did I put...?

Last week Pop lost something and I wasn't exactly sure what it was and he wasn't exactly sure where he put it.

He was sitting in his chair with the brightly colored striped blanket covering him from waist to floor. He bent forward and lifted the right side of the blanket staring at the floor. Then he repeated the same process on the left side. I asked him, "What are you looking for Pop?" He replied, "My feet, I can't find them." Then he looked one more time where he hadn't looked before. He raised the blanket from the center and excitedly exclaimed, "There they are, right where I left them!"